You know, I try to be optimistic about things and not dwell on negatives but it’s getting to the point where it’s pretty tough to be positive. It’s been well documented on here how things seem to keep going wrong in my life and honestly I’ve been the most depressed over the last month or two than maybe I have in my whole life. Every time it seems like my luck or karma or whatever you want to call it starts seeming to be getting better, something else happens to keep me from being happy. Obviously luck doesn’t account for all the bad things that seem to keep happening to me, some of them were self inflicted. I’ve basically quit drinking again because that wasn’t helping matters, and I’m trying to focus on school and just being a better person, but it doesn’t seem to matter.
I’m getting to the point where I wonder if I might be better off just expecting things to turn out shitty in my life so I won’t be disappointed when they do. I know that’s a bad way to look at things and to go about life in general, but I’m getting to the point to where I feel like I doom things just by actually having hope. I keep thinking that things will get better and I’m not as depressed as I have been…so that’s a positive, but damn it’s hard to keep getting your hopes up just to have them dashed. Anyway, I don’t know. I know noone wants to hear me whine about how bad my life is when I’m better off than a lot of people, but this is my place to vent and share my real thoughts and it’s just getting so damn hard to keep them positive.
I don’t know, I guess I just have to stop dwelling on things, but that’s my nature unfortunately. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask?