So it’s almost 840 in the am eastern time and I’m working on about two hours of sleep in the last 48 or so and I’ve now reached that point where my body is exhausted but my mind feels like I’m on some kind of speed. I couldn’t sleep Wednesday night because I was upset about something and then the insomnia kicked in and I’m trying not to rely on the ambien too much anymore. I was tired as hell all day yesterday and meant to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but then I ended up getting into a long fight with someone that I really care about…the fact that I was running on empty as far as sleep goes probably didn’t help that situation either.
I’m the type of person where when I get in a fight or argument I always feel like I have to get the last word in and by this point it was in the late hours of the night and my lack of sleep or coherent thought only exacerbated things and now I may have fucked up things with this person beyond repair so now I’m sad and pissed off at myself which isn’t helping the case for sleep. I don’t know why I feel the need to fuck everything up in my life sometimes but it really sucks.
Thank god I only have a bit of work to do today and no classes since ill probably end up sleeping half the day away and will still be pretty much worthless. Guess it’s a good thing I don’t have any plans this weekend. I’m so tired that my body hurts yet like I said my mind is still in overdrive.
I just really hope there’s some way to salvage things with the person I had the fight with but I’m not feeling too optimistic at the moment and that makes me sad. Well, off to try sleep again I guess…what a fun day so far.
You know, I try to be optimistic about things and not dwell on negatives but it’s getting to the point where it’s pretty tough to be positive. It’s been well documented on here how things seem to keep going wrong in my life and honestly I’ve been the most depressed over the last month or two than maybe I have in my whole life. Every time it seems like my luck or karma or whatever you want to call it starts seeming to be getting better, something else happens to keep me from being happy. Obviously luck doesn’t account for all the bad things that seem to keep happening to me, some of them were self inflicted. I’ve basically quit drinking again because that wasn’t helping matters, and I’m trying to focus on school and just being a better person, but it doesn’t seem to matter.
I’m getting to the point where I wonder if I might be better off just expecting things to turn out shitty in my life so I won’t be disappointed when they do. I know that’s a bad way to look at things and to go about life in general, but I’m getting to the point to where I feel like I doom things just by actually having hope. I keep thinking that things will get better and I’m not as depressed as I have been…so that’s a positive, but damn it’s hard to keep getting your hopes up just to have them dashed. Anyway, I don’t know. I know noone wants to hear me whine about how bad my life is when I’m better off than a lot of people, but this is my place to vent and share my real thoughts and it’s just getting so damn hard to keep them positive.
I don’t know, I guess I just have to stop dwelling on things, but that’s my nature unfortunately. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask?
Little to no sleep, lots of homework, plus class tonight equals a long freaking day. So damn glad I don’t have class tomorrow but I’ve got a lot of work to do this weekend. I’m going to try to not procrastinate and wait until Sunday night before it’s due to get it done this time. I’m really glad to be back in school and it gives me a feeling of actually doing something with my life but it’s still hard to get used to after not having done it for so many years. I think this one online class I’m taking is more work than the other two classroom classes combined. I have my first algebra test next week and I’m honestly a bit lost about some of the stuff so I guess I’ll be studying hard for that this weekend. It’s hard at least for me to jump back into a math class after having done virtually no math for so many years.
Oh well, enough bitching about school, as I’ve said before it’s nice to actually be doing something to better myself for the first time in a long time…too long.
Outside of school, my shitty personal life continues. I’m upset about something and not sure what to do about it, the story of my life. I’m one of those people that thinks things can always be fixed and can’t stand to sit back and do nothing, but that’s all I can do. Sigh, life really has been a trial lately but I guess I just have to keep on hoping it will get better. Anyway, I’m going to try to relax for a bit now. I’ve been reading a lot lately and having been meaning to do some book recs again so maybe I’ll get back into that this weekend if I have time. Hope everyone is doing well that actually still reads this from time to time, and thanks for being my avenue to vent.
Glad to be home. This driving to and from Jasper 3 days a week is becoming tiresome. I think I’m going to have to move back closer to Atlanta after this summer. The higher level classes I’ll need to start taking are all at campuses closer to town. I don’t think I’m going to move back to the city itself but somewhere closer to it.
This Intro to Computers class I had tonight is so basic that it’s truly sad. I’m hoping I at least learn SOMETHING from it in the later parts. Supposedly we’re covering Excel and Access which are two programs I’ve never really used so I might pick something up from that, but really, at the basic level computers are just intuitive to me, as I’m sure they are to most people. This class so far acts like you’ve never used windows, a browser, or email before.
Oh well, at least the higher level class is a bit more interesting, though a lot more work. And since it’s online of course I wait until the last minute to do the work…hence my doing homework last night instead of going to a Super Bowl party.
Good God this class I’m in is boring. It’s literally the most basic computer class you can take and of course is required and we literally are studying stuff like how to use basic Windows 7 and Internet Explorer…right now we’re learning how to save our favorite websites. My other computer class is a bit higher level so it’s at least a tiny bit challenging but at this point I feel like I’m in a class for senior citizens that have never used a computer before…
So wow, I guess I haven’t posted in over a month. I’ve meant to but this New Year hasn’t been particularly happy for me thus far. Had a bit of a health scare and lost some online friends and fun stuff like that. But noone wants to hear me bitch and whine. Life sucks sometimes: you just gotta deal with it. On the bright side I’m actually taking more than one class this semester since I didn’t wait til the last minute like last time.
I’m even taking a couple of classes needed for my major…though what blows is somehow I’m having to take College Algebra again even though I passed it in my first go round in college aeons ago. You really don’t realize how much algebra sucks until you take it after not having used a lick of it for 15 years or so. I’m so not a math guy. It’s not that I’m bad at it, just that it takes practice and I prefer things I can just learn by reading or memorizing.
Anyway, I need to get going for class tonight. Hopefully it won’t be a month before I post again.