Disappointed…but why am I surprised

Sorry to continue my emo-ness from last night, but I just have some shit I need to get off my chest. Speaking of my chest, I’ve had a pain in the left middle of it since late yesterday that I can’t figure out and had me pretty freaked out.

Anyway, back to that in a bit. I’ve now come to another fucked up realization: when it gets to a certain point in a relationship with someone where things are going bad, I actually get a perverse sense of satisfaction when I give them a chance to disappoint me and they do so. Obviously it would be better if they stepped up and didn’t, but I get kind of an “Ah Ha!” moment when they inevitably do. It’s fucked up and I don’t know why I really do it, I guess it’s a sort of defense mechanism from being disappointed so often.

So, last night I’m having pains in the middle part of my left chest…not near my heart I don’t think but it was still freaking me out. I have anxiety disorder and I’m also a hypochrondriac that is scared of emergency rooms. So I tried to call someone for whom I’ve been there a good many times in the past. This is someone that I waited with in an ER for several hours and drove home at 4am and spent the night with to make sure they were ok. That I helped out with after they had a surgery and that I’ve recently been trying to be supportive of with another health issue they are going through.

After calling them twice and getting no reply, I was already freaking out about just freaking out, and I was kinda pissed that they weren’t answering their phone since it was maybe 10pm. Finally they do call back and since I’m freaking out and all they kept telling me in the form of comfort or support was that I should just go to the ER. They actually got pissed off at me and acted like they just wanted to go back to sleep and for me to leave them alone, and then basically hung up on me.

Now granted. This situation is being told from my perspective, which was fucked up at the time. And I probably said something to the effect of why the hell didn’t you pick up your phone before now. But Jesus, all I wanted was some comfort and someone to tell me to calm down and that everything was going to be alright. This person knows me and about my anxiety disorder and how I can get freaked out, but it felt more like they were berating me than trying to offer any comfort.

I really don’t know how I constantly find myself with people that can’t give me what I need. I don’t think I’m that needy a person but I’d hope most women would understand that I might need a bit of comfort when I’m scared and freaking out about something that could be serious? Maybe I’m just a puss, I don’t know. Maybe I have too high expecations for others. I honestly don’t know but if someone could tell me I’d love to hear.

As for my side, it still hurts today but I feel ok otherwise. I’d like to wait til a scheduled Dr’s appointment I have next week, but hopefully I’ll survive.


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