Checking in

Well I haven’t posted in weeks I realized so I figured I might as well tonight. Been busy with school and holidays and had a few shitty weeks. On the plus side, I got a new phone. I find it kinda sad and can sorta understand why the terrorists hate us because I legitimately enjoy the hell out of having a new gadget and even feel a bit euphoric for the first couple of weeks. I got an iphone 5, which I’m pretty much loving so far, though to be fair I’d probably love anything over my old piece of shit phone I had for two years. This is like the first time I’ve ever had a brand new version of a top line phone so it’s fun.

I gave a lot of thought to the Samsung Galaxy S3 but honestly my last phone was a Samsung, the Galaxy is all plastic which I’m not a fan of, and there’s just a few issues with Android phones that still bug me. Number one being that they leave it up to the carriers to roll out their new versions, and at least as far as Sprint goes, that doesn’t exactly happen fast or often. Granted my last phone was only a midpriced one but I only got ONE update to android in the two years I had it. I think i was still using 2.2 at the end. Now granted I know that some of it is hardware based and you need a new phone to be able to use the new software, but I still think I should have gotten at least one or two more upgrades.

With Apple you at least know you’re gonna get your new versions of their OS as soon as they come out. The other main thing that always annoyed me about Android was their really odd contact system. You could sync different accounts yet not have contacts show up in your contacts list. Even worse was if you used a third party text app like me and entered people into that…I remember looking at my contacts list and it having like 10 people on it…yet when I got a call or text from people NOT on it, it always popped up with their name. I also never really enjoyed the google play or whatever they call their app store now as much as Apple’s. It always wanted me to sign in just to update shit and I could never remember the password to the google email account I never used but was forced to sign up for.

Anyway, I know the android people will say that the Galaxy is a better phone and it probably is in some ways, but I’m happy with my iphone. It’s fast, looks good, and does what I need it to do.

So, aside from my new phone euphoria, I had a rather uneventful thanksgiving. We went to my cousin’s house in Cumming and it was just her and her husband, my aunt and her husband, and my mom and I. Oh, and their two kids. Kinda sucks that my whole family doesn’t get together anymore but I guess we will at Christmas. Hopefully my grandmother will be ok til then.

I also found out that my bitch of an ex girlfriend waited all of a week or two to start dating this guy that she had been talking to while we were supposedly still trying to work things out…this was a bit ago but I just found out about it. She claimed this guy was just a friend but it sure seems funny that they started dating so quickly. Being a guy, we allllll know about the bullshit guy that claims to be just a friend that’s talking to another guy’s chick and looking to move in on the rebound. Women either don’t realize this or just don’t give a shit, but ANY guy knows how it goes I’d wager. I can’t say I haven’t talked to girls that had boyfriends or whatever but I generally at least had the balls to make my intentions clear and not play the pussy, sensitive guy that just wants to be there for a girl until he can get into her pants.

Whatever, it’s better to have this person out of my life anyhow. I just hate dishonest people.

Anyway, I need to finish reading freaking Flowers For Algernon so I can write a paper on it tomorrow so I’ll wrap this up.

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Wednesday Ramblings

Man, I can’t believe how much work a freaking English 1102 class can be. For tonight I was supposed to write an essay, read a quarter of a book, read a short story, and take an online quiz before class. I thought I’d gotten it all done but apparently I missed a quiz that he told us to take at the beginning of class but fuck it. I just want to keep my B in this class as I shouldn’t have to be taking it anyhow since I passed all the required English classes at a good liberal arts school my first go round in college.

On the other hand, it DOES feel good to be back in school again even if some of the people in the class could literally be my kids. At least I’m not the oldest in there by a fair amount. Plus compared to the guy in my class that literally looks and acts like he could be in a mental ward or american al qaeda, I probably seem cool..lol. This guy means well I guess and apparently has a history of mental problems but damn is he fucking out there. He randomly tells chicks in the class that they are hot and freaks them out and he always asks the prof questions that have nothing at all to do with what we’re talking about.

But anyhow, I’m supposed to be going down to the ATL this weekend for some friends of mine’s kid’s birthday party, and for once I can actually say I’m doing something constructive again instead of being penciled in as the eternal slacker guy. Just ready to get into some classes that actually have shit to do with want I want to learn.

Anyhow, that’s it for tonight I suppose. My chest is feeling a bit better today so maybe I just somehow pulled a muscle or something…I still don’t know. And I’ve managed to get a negative person out of my life, so that’s always good. Night all.

Disappointed…but why am I surprised

Sorry to continue my emo-ness from last night, but I just have some shit I need to get off my chest. Speaking of my chest, I’ve had a pain in the left middle of it since late yesterday that I can’t figure out and had me pretty freaked out.

Anyway, back to that in a bit. I’ve now come to another fucked up realization: when it gets to a certain point in a relationship with someone where things are going bad, I actually get a perverse sense of satisfaction when I give them a chance to disappoint me and they do so. Obviously it would be better if they stepped up and didn’t, but I get kind of an “Ah Ha!” moment when they inevitably do. It’s fucked up and I don’t know why I really do it, I guess it’s a sort of defense mechanism from being disappointed so often.

So, last night I’m having pains in the middle part of my left chest…not near my heart I don’t think but it was still freaking me out. I have anxiety disorder and I’m also a hypochrondriac that is scared of emergency rooms. So I tried to call someone for whom I’ve been there a good many times in the past. This is someone that I waited with in an ER for several hours and drove home at 4am and spent the night with to make sure they were ok. That I helped out with after they had a surgery and that I’ve recently been trying to be supportive of with another health issue they are going through.

After calling them twice and getting no reply, I was already freaking out about just freaking out, and I was kinda pissed that they weren’t answering their phone since it was maybe 10pm. Finally they do call back and since I’m freaking out and all they kept telling me in the form of comfort or support was that I should just go to the ER. They actually got pissed off at me and acted like they just wanted to go back to sleep and for me to leave them alone, and then basically hung up on me.

Now granted. This situation is being told from my perspective, which was fucked up at the time. And I probably said something to the effect of why the hell didn’t you pick up your phone before now. But Jesus, all I wanted was some comfort and someone to tell me to calm down and that everything was going to be alright. This person knows me and about my anxiety disorder and how I can get freaked out, but it felt more like they were berating me than trying to offer any comfort.

I really don’t know how I constantly find myself with people that can’t give me what I need. I don’t think I’m that needy a person but I’d hope most women would understand that I might need a bit of comfort when I’m scared and freaking out about something that could be serious? Maybe I’m just a puss, I don’t know. Maybe I have too high expecations for others. I honestly don’t know but if someone could tell me I’d love to hear.

As for my side, it still hurts today but I feel ok otherwise. I’d like to wait til a scheduled Dr’s appointment I have next week, but hopefully I’ll survive.

Monday Ramblings..but more like rants

So outside of my sports teams winning this weekend I’ve had a pretty shitty couple of weeks and still going. As I’d previously mentioned I have family health issues and just to add to the fun, I had to call someone out to check out my septic tank on Friday and currently it’s looking at over $2500 to fix, and it’s not even fixed yet. I have a feeling I might be getting gouged by the good ol boys that have already dug up my front yard so I’m having another company out tomorrow to get another estimate. I’ve lived in a city most of my life, I frankly didn’t even know what a septic tank was. Unfortunately I know now more about them than I really care to…particularly how fucking expensive they can be. On the bright side I don’t have sewage in my house or anything so I guess it’s good I had it checked when I did.

So yeah, I’m sure all wanted to hear about that but 2500 bucks and a dug up front yard pretty much blows and is worth complaining about in my opinion.

Onto further news. I have a pain in my side that I’m not really sure what could be…which is fun because I’m a major league hypochondriac but I hate going to doctors. Hopefully it’s just a pulled muscle or something.

Ugh, I’m so fucking sick of being disappointed by people, but I guess I should just blame myself. That fool me once shame on you, fool me 30 times shame on me saying should be my motto. I’m just so tired of being disappointed by people that I care about. And yes, it’s my fault for giving them the chance to disappoint me or for believing that this time will be different when it never is, but it’s a hard habit to break. You’d think it would get easier after time but it really doesn’t. I just want to be with someone that doesn’t play the same passive/agressive games that I can easily be pulled into. Is that so fucking hard to find on this earth? Do I just attract them? I don’t even know anymore.

Maybe I’m just addicted to the highs and lows. I really don’t know. I just want to find someone that loves me the same amount that I do them, but that seems impossible. I’m always either chasing or being chased..either I’m trying to convince someone to to love me or someone is trying to convince me to love them…never seems to be a happy medium. All I know is that the one fucking thing I hate more than anything is feeling like I’m being ignored. I can take a lot of shit but that feeling that someone has so little respect for you to even respond to you just is too much for me.

Anyway, fuck it. At least I have ambien so I can sleep tonight. Sorry for the rambling incoherent post full of stuff that noone but me gives a shit about, but sometimes ya just need to vent.