So I haven’t written on here in awhile. I’ve meant to but just been too busy with school and work and life. Having to write papers for this English class I’m taking kinda takes the fun out of writing for fun, but I felt like writing tonight. This post is basically going to go into how I’m kind of an unfeeling prick, yet a wuss sometimes too, and how certain random things can really come out of nowhere and hit you hard.
So I have a bit of a situation with my grandmother, she’s in her 90s and is my one remaining grandparent. I only bring this up because it’s part of the context; I won’t go into it further because it always kinda brings up uncomfortable sympathy and offers of help and basically makes everyone feel kinda weird and I tend to keep stuff like this private.
But anyhow, despite the fact that I have anxiety disorder and get down at times, I’m kinda one of those stoic type of guys. I can certainly get hurt and feel like shit sometimes but I very rarely cry or outwardly show emotion. I tend to keep things bottled up. But the weirdest thing happened tonight: I was playing a game and had pandora on and lately my pandora station of choice has been a bit more mellow indie pop and bluegrass kinda thing. And this song comes on, it’s a female singer and is kinda chickish sounding but not that bad but I feel like I’ve heard it before, so I looked it up on youtube. It turns out it was played in the very last part of the finale of a show I didn’t really watch that much but happened to see the finale of: Six Feet Under.
This was a show that had 5 or 6 seasons on HBO and ended probably 4 or 5 years ago. I never really got into it because it was about a family that ran a funeral home and honestly was a bit too morbid for me, I don’t really like to think about that kinda stuff. But I watched it here and there and my mom and some other people had told me that the series finale was really good, so I watched it. Basically the last 10 minutes of it is one of the main characters driving off and interspersed with scenes of the futures of all of the characters, them getting married, kids, etc. But also every single one of them dying.
It’s pretty moving for a TV show, but it’s also pretty damn intense. Some of the characters die suddenly, some of very old age, they all usually see dead loved ones from their past…I don’t know. I just really affected me to be watching it tonight. I actually found myself crying for the first time in probably 5 years or more. A lot of it shouldn’t be sad because some of the characters live to be into their 90s but it just made me think about mortality, my own and that of others, in a strangely more intense way than I normally ever do. Part of it is probably what I alluded to earlier, but it’s just depressing as fuck to think that no matter what you do with your life you’re gonna die someday, often before you think you should.
Anyway, if you’ve never seen the clip it might be worth a watch because like I said it’s intense, so I’ll throw it on here I guess. I think I need to watch some comedy now or something.
You have to skip to about the 3 min mark to get to the start of the part I’m talking about.