So yeah, it’s 3am, I’m kinda tired but not really sleepy. Don’t feel like taking an ambien just yet. Just in a contemplative mood. The several beers that I shouldn’t have drunk are probably contributing to that, but oh well, shit happens.
When I first started writing on this blog a few days ago, I said I was going to to write what I felt and not really care if anyone read it. I’ve actually had some friends that have read most of it and have been supportive and really encouraging about it, but I am sometimes torn between trying to be entertaining and just writing whatever the hell is on my mind, whether anyone reads it or not.
I think tonight is one of the latter times. I don’t know why, but I find writing to be so cathartic. I remember wanting to slit my wrists in college when I had to write a 10 page term paper…yet I can write a thousand words on here and not even get half the shit I have on my mind out and enjoy the hell out of it.
I’m one of those people that has what I would call an overactive mind…I’m always in my head..worrying what others think, getting anxious and stressed about dumb shit…dwelling on my many failures and mistakes and those little curves in life where I could have gone one way or another and chose the wrong one. Surprisingly I don’t get depressed all that often, and amazingly I don’t get overwhelmed with regret all that often, but I definitely contemplate things too much.
I’ve said before to friends that one of the worst things you can be is smart and self aware enough to know why you fuck up and how you’re a particular form of crazy and why you do stupid things, yet you’re seemingly powerless to stop it. Ignorance is supposed to be bliss after all.
By the way, I’m not as far as I know crazy. I have anxiety disorder and take meds for that, something not many people know about me. I have had panic or anxiety attacks where I thought I was having a heart attack and had to talk myself out of going to the ER…but I’m generally not depressed and mostly live a pretty decent life.
I think I just have a mind that runs at a few too many RPMs, and while in some ways that can be good…I’m smart, I tend to have a quick wit, and I’m told I can be funny at times..it also has its negatives…in that I tend to overanalyze everything…every interaction…every situation…every relationship.
That’s what keeps me up at night and why I used to drink and use drugs a lot, just to slowwww things down…to shut my mind the fuck up basically. But obviously that strategy hasn’t worked too well for too many people..and I doubt I’m the one for whom it will be a success.
So maybe just writing down the stupid and crazy shit that I’m thinking and feeling can take its place..instead of trying to bottle things up or numb them..who knows? I do know that I’m loving writing again and I’m gonna keep doing it whether I’m talking to myself or people are actually reading. I’d love to think that someone can relate to me but who fucking knows in this world.
I do know though that I’m sick of just bottling things up because I’m worried about what others might think about me…that’s what gives me panic attacks and makes me withdraw from people..so fuck it. I might regret this post in the morning, but I’m sick of spending my life worrying what others think about me and killing myself by overanalyzing every fucking thing I do or say.