Grizzly Bear: Yet Again

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Been looking at music for like an hour and a half and the Grizzly Bear upcoming album is about the only thing that’s piqued my interest.

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Bloc Party: Real Talk

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It’s both random and shows how little I’ve followed music lately that the other day in another post I was wondering whatever had happened to this band..and apparently they had a new album out last week. I honestly haven’t been impressed with what I’ve heard so far..they went a bit too electronica-y after their first album for me…but this song is growing on me.

Well that sucks

So I wasn’t able to go down to my friends’ cookout down in Atlanta…just too much shit to do between work and cleaning the house for dear mom’s visit. Ugh, I’m pissed because I can’t stand backing out on things like that…as I mentioned last night I worry entirely too much what others think of me…and because I rarely get to see my college friends anymore as they are all married with kids and I’m the single(literally) mismatched utensil in the drawer.

I don’t mean to say I begrudge my friends having the wives and kids, I actually really like most of my friends’ wives and they generally try to include me in stuff, but it definitely increases the sense of failure and impending age factor when you’re almost the last one that’s single.

Oh well, just gonna have a cook a nice dinner and put the football game on and then get back to cleaning I guess, and mentally prepare myself for two full days of my mom.

Those of you who read some of my posts might think I don’t love my mom, I do, she can just be a bit intense at times. She’s basically where I inherited my anxiety issues from and while I’m on meds for them, she’s not. We get along pretty well when I go down to her house in Atlanta or we’re at a neutral location, but up here it gets a little cabin fevery for me having her around for extended periods of time.

Plus quite frankly I’m jealous of all the people I see driving to the lake or beach or wherever and I’m not doing shit basically because she decided she wanted to get out of the city and didn’t want to go to her condo at the beach. She doesn’t necessarily expect me to entertain her, but being an only child and her being single, it’s not like I can in good conscience just take off and leave her to fend for herself for the whole weekend.

So yes, I’m already mentally preparing for a weekend of her asking when I’m gonna get married and have some kids and other fun mom stuff like that…I’m quite sure everyone is jealous.

Music

So I’ve realized that if I’m going to continue to talk about or link music on this blog, I’m gonna have to get over my laziness about finding new music. The whole reason I wanted to link a vid or two every day is so someone might hear something they hadn’t heard before and like it, but I’ve basically just been posting old stuff that I happen to be listening to…as I said in the Bon Iver post..that’s probably the first song under 2 years old that I’ve posted.

I used to know a lot more about music. I read the Pitchfork and AV Club type sites, looked for stuff on youtube and message boards, and actually bought a lot of music. My taste in my younger days sucked: I wasted the 90s music scene listening to jam bands..lol. So when I actually decided to get back into music I wanted to find stuff that not everyone else was listening to.

And yes, that led me to mostly what some would call indie/hipster stuff in a derogatory way, but I like hearing all kinds of music, all kinds of genres, and music that challenges me.

Over the last year and a half or so, I’ve just gotten lazy with music..it really is something you have to work at if you want to branch out of the mainstream. Interesting, exciting, experimental, challenging, or just really cool stuff doesn’t get played on the radio and it doesn’t just hop onto your ipod. You have to search it out.

I think part of my problem is that I’ve become Pandora-ized. That’s pretty much what I listen to when I’m at my computer, and while Pandora is a hell of a lot better than any previous iteration of radio, it can tend to funnel you into certain areas and you don’t often discover anything earthshattering on it. It tends to push me back to the mainstream.

This added to the fact that I really only have one or two friends that are actually into music, has just kind of stunted me. In the last year I think the only album I’ve bought that I was actually somewhat excited about was the Of Monsters and Men one. I used to buy or listen to new stuff on youtube all the time.

So anyway, I’ll try to pick up the overall quality and originality of my musical selections in the future…and I’m gonna try to get back into music…just like with writing..I’ve realized I’ve missed it.

Bon Iver: Towers

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And for your regularly scheduled random musical interlude today, we have Bon Iver. I think this is the first time I’ve posted a song that isn’t at least a year and a half old so that’s a new record lol.
Kinda crazy to see this guy with such a massive backup group in this vid. If I remember correctly for his first album he basically recorded it all himself in a home studio and played most of his instruments.

Blah

Just another blah looking day here in the beautiful North GA mountains. I’m a bit overwhelmed today: in addition to work, needing to read a little bit of stuff for school, having to continue to clean the hell out of the house, I just discovered I have a sink that’s been leaking and so now I need to try to find a plumber that will come out today.

And I’m supposed to be going to a cookout/football watching party at some old friends’ house tonight down in Atlanta, but I just realized that they said to show up around 630 and they live right on the Perimeter of Atlanta(where all the major interstates pretty much come together) and it’s the Friday of Labor Day weekend so traffic is probably going to be hellacious. So with all the shit I have to do I don’t know if I’m going to even be able to go…grrr.

But, other than that, everything’s awesome…lol.

Random Thoughts

So yeah, it’s 3am, I’m kinda tired but not really sleepy. Don’t feel like taking an ambien just yet. Just in a contemplative mood. The several beers that I shouldn’t have drunk are probably contributing to that, but oh well, shit happens.

When I first started writing on this blog a few days ago, I said I was going to to write what I felt and not really care if anyone read it. I’ve actually had some friends that have read most of it and have been supportive and really encouraging about it, but I am sometimes torn between trying to be entertaining and just writing whatever the hell is on my mind, whether anyone reads it or not.

I think tonight is one of the latter times. I don’t know why, but I find writing to be so cathartic. I remember wanting to slit my wrists in college when I had to write a 10 page term paper…yet I can write a thousand words on here and not even get half the shit I have on my mind out and enjoy the hell out of it.

I’m one of those people that has what I would call an overactive mind…I’m always in my head..worrying what others think, getting anxious and stressed about dumb shit…dwelling on my many failures and mistakes and those little curves in life where I could have gone one way or another and chose the wrong one. Surprisingly I don’t get depressed all that often, and amazingly I don’t get overwhelmed with regret all that often, but I definitely contemplate things too much.

I’ve said before to friends that one of the worst things you can be is smart and self aware enough to know why you fuck up and how you’re a particular form of crazy and why you do stupid things, yet you’re seemingly powerless to stop it. Ignorance is supposed to be bliss after all.

By the way, I’m not as far as I know crazy. I have anxiety disorder and take meds for that, something not many people know about me. I have had panic or anxiety attacks where I thought I was having a heart attack and had to talk myself out of going to the ER…but I’m generally not depressed and mostly live a pretty decent life.

I think I just have a mind that runs at a few too many RPMs, and while in some ways that can be good…I’m smart, I tend to have a quick wit, and I’m told I can be funny at times..it also has its negatives…in that I tend to overanalyze everything…every interaction…every situation…every relationship.

That’s what keeps me up at night and why I used to drink and use drugs a lot, just to slowwww things down…to shut my mind the fuck up basically. But obviously that strategy hasn’t worked too well for too many people..and I doubt I’m the one for whom it will be a success.

So maybe just writing down the stupid and crazy shit that I’m thinking and feeling can take its place..instead of trying to bottle things up or numb them..who knows? I do know that I’m loving writing again and I’m gonna keep doing it whether I’m talking to myself or people are actually reading.  I’d love to think that someone can relate to me but who fucking knows in this world.

I do know though that I’m sick of just bottling things up because I’m worried about what others might think about me…that’s what gives me panic attacks and makes me withdraw from people..so fuck it. I might regret this post in the morning, but I’m sick of spending my life worrying what others think about me and killing myself by overanalyzing every fucking thing I do or say.