So it’s Friday night. Woohoo. You know your life sucks when you’re not really excited about the weekend. It could be any other day of the week for me. I don’t know anyone up here and all my friends are married and an hour and half away at least. I guess I don’t feel as bad if I sleep half the day tomorrow as opposed to a weekday but since it’s not football season I really don’t look forward to the weekends for much of anything.
Not to harp on my last post or sound like a pussy or I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I’m basically all alone right now. Probably more than at any point in my life. Guys don’t really text or talk regularly with each other and my only female friend had her phone stolen and can’t afford to get a new one yet. I miss having a female in my life just to talk to. I like getting texts and having someone of the female persuasion to talk to. Even just as a friend. It depresses the hell out of me that my phone could be silent all day. I’d just like someone in my life just that gives a shit, not even taking into account my needs as a guy.
I seem to have a combination of picking the wrong women and doing or saying the wrong things. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m pretty numb. I don’t really see myself opening myself up to another woman anytime soon, not that I have any prospects anyhow. The only feelings I can seem to feel are loneliness and sadness. I have for at least awhile given up on finding the right person for me, and I just turned 37 so that’s pretty fucking depressing. I miss having a female in my life, even if just as a friend.
Anyway, I guess that’s enough self pity and whining for now. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Ugh, so my life sucks right now. I’m so fucking sick of living up here in the sticks by myself, not knowing anyone around here. But I can’t move until I sell this fucking house. I’ve had my heart broken not that long ago, and I’m just sad and lonely most of the time. I’m so damn sick of fake ass people. Like my ex gf for instance. I spent Valentine’s Day with her and bought her a grill, put it together, and cooked her dry aged steaks from whole foods with Boursin cheese on them; her favorite dish from her favorite restaurant. She gave me a framed picture of her and I and then dumped me two weeks later. I met her on eharmony, which is supposed to be a site for people looking for real relationships, yet she dumped me because she was terrified of commitment and couldn’t handle even the slightest hint of an argument. It was her way or the highway and I’ve been in enough relationships to know that doesn’t work but I tried to hold my tongue because I really cared about her. She had actually never been in a real relationship in her life at 31.
Fuck her. And fuck all the other fakeass people in my life. I have a few friends that I can count on but I’m too far from them for it to make much of a difference. I’m starting to accept the fact that I’ll never meet the right person. I want kids at some point but I’m starting to give up on that too. I have a seemingly insane talent for attracting crazy women. Like this bitch that I’ve known for a few years and pops up in my life every few months or so. I ignored her while I was in the relationship but I made the mistake of trying to start to talk to her again a couple weeks ago. I intentionally forgot that she’s basically a sociopath that only wants attention from guys to make her feel good about herself. She has a tumblr page where she posts pics of her tits and ass and acts completely differently from how she really is and basks in the attention and I guess deludes herself into thinking that this false representation of herself is really her and that she doesn’t mostly have horny guys following her. Pathetic, even more so than me.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m about at the end of my sanity up here. And as I’ve sad even if it makes me sound like a pussy I’m just sad and lonely all the time. I just want a normal woman that I find attractive and can get along with, but apparently I’m never going to find that. It’s so fucking frustrating and pathetic and I don’t know how much more I can take.
Well, that’s enough self pity for the night I guess. I wish I could be optimistic but it gets fucking hard when you keep getting kicked while you’re down over and over again.
Ugh, so I have a person that I guess you could call a friend that keeps disappointing me. She won’t talk to me for months and then decide to message me. Then when I attempt to talk to her she basically ignores me. I guess I’m just someone she keeps on the line in case she needs and ego boost or some quick self esteem. It sucks because I actually care about this person. Makes me feel like less than nothing really. Contempt really is worse than someone just telling you that they aren’t interested in talking to you.
So I guess it’s only fitting that to write this post I have to see the one below it. I’ll admit that I’m Comfortably Numb at the moment. Just not looking forward to the morning. See, I got dumped tonight. By someone that I met on the marriage/serious site eharmony. Wasn’t up to a relationship, or at least not with me.
Now I’ve dated a fair amount of women for my share, but I’ve never been dumped for caring about someone too much. I’ve fucked up relationships in the past by not being honest completely about my feelings and not talking enough. Now I’ve been dumped for pretty much the opposite, for being sad about not talking to my gf for a few days.
Lord knows I’ve got my problems with relationships but I was finally ready to settle down and maybe have kids, and I thought I’d found the person. Guess not.
After all this shit I think it might just come down to finding someone you find sexually attractive and that doesn’t drive you insane and having some kids. I used to believe in love and all that shit but like a kicked dog you can only take so much before you cower away. Fun stuff.
So I finally met the really amazing woman Cari that I mentioned in my last post and that I’ve been talking to for a little bit over a month now. I was a nervous wreck all yesterday and ended up getting a haircut in Cleveland, TN on my way to Chattanooga because nowhere was open in Hicksville Fannin county. Luckily I made it on time and we went to Cari’s favorite restaurant and had a great meal. Meeting her in person was amazing and she was everything I had hoped for and more. I have to admit that I already had feelings for this special woman and getting to hold her in my arms and just to be in her presence had me with pretty much a permagrin. Lol. Once I got over my nervousness that is.
So we had dinner and then watched a movie at her place and I had an amazing time. Well worth the hour and a half drive each way. I don’t like to jinx things or get my hopes up because they have been dashed many a time, but I really like Cari. She makes me happy and wonder what she sees in an average guy like me. So wish me luck please.
So I’m sure it’s been ages since I posted and my grammar or spelling might be off because I’m hunting and pecking on the iPad. The main reason I haven’t posted is that a bit over six weeks ago I fell and broke my wrist. Stupid dog had peed on the floor and I slipped off my feet and I guess tried to brace myself with my hand. Not good times. I had to drive myself to the ER so they wouldn’t give me any pain meds because I was driving home. They sent me home with a scrip I couldn’t fill til the next morning and a freaking Motrin.
Then two days later I got to have my first cast of my life. If you’ve never had one, they suck. I’ve essentially been one handed for six weeks. Good news is that yesterday I got it off and exchanged for a splint, which I can actually take off to shower and such. That’s big. It’s also much less cumbersome. Bad news is that I might have to have surgery to get it back to completely normal. Just wait and see right now.
The other big news in my life is that I gave up on my old dating site Plentyoffish because it was such a pain and too many casual people and joined eharmony. I’d tried it some years back and never had much luck on there but this time I have. It’s early and I don’t want to jinx it, but I met a really special woman named Cari on there and she’s kinda amazing. We’ve been texting and talking a ton but the more I get to know her, the more I like her. It doesn’t hurt that’s she’s hot in addition to being smart, funny, fun to talk to, and really sweet. She’s truly been the first bright spot in a dark bit of my life. I don’t want to get ahead of myself and we are going slow but I actually feel happy for a change. So wish me luck :)
Well, I can’t take anymore hunting and pecking but I am still alive and I’ll try to start posting again as the wrist gets better.
Why do I continually let people that I know are going to disappoint me keep doing so? It’s not like I’m the greatest believer in human nature around by far. You’d think I’d learn to quit letting Lucy pull the football away by now.